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 Health Articles archives
Tuesday, November 23, 2004 i don't live within this world, but i don't live without it either. there is nothing behind me anymore. i cannot sleep either. well, not when i should be anyway. my blood rushes and i am straining my belief to try and get all this... stuff.... out of me. there is only one important aspect of my life left, and i have till the day i die to discover it. *enter question* what do i do till that day comes? what can be done to make time something of pride? i would give anything to have a life which doesn't require my writing. furthermore, i am sick of writing about my life. i'm totally sick and tired of writing thoughts and ideas and cute little phrases, all as though they mean something. there is nothing left inside my cynicism but this hopeless desire to feel good about myself. i try so hard. i try so hard. i try so hard. every minute that passes is just something else that is gone and lost forever. *enter question* chaos is so fragile, and the future will come in the form of just more days. give me something interesting. give me something pleasant to feel. i'm wasting away here, and my ability to hide it and fake it away from my friends and family is diminishing. before too long they will realise what i have known for at least a year now - my life is not what it once was, and there is no way back. i used to have faith in the universe. i used to have faith and believe that i was the centre of the cosmos, from my point of view. now i'm hopeless and i'm left reading the books i read and enjoyed reading when i was fifteen. *enter question* can anyone really be an adult? day to day life - how can it be? surely we must be a disapointment to the beginning. we have grown out chaos and random acts at their most beautiful, and bloomed into routine and expectation. the fact that day to day life exisits is embarassing. *enter question* but how can we not? oh great creator, great great oh great existance, please be fooling us. please play us. please do something wrong. please wake up and realise what we're doing. give us something else. melt the mood. make the sun sick. deliver us from this endless cycle. snap us out of it. *enter question* why must our strongest emotion be of this emence desire to sleep-in? why must we become and end up as we do? *enter question* i wake up everyday and forget my desire to make myself someone better, and beyond. it's only late at night, when i am somewhat more so alone, when i start to question my bitter self and my dead-end thoughts. i used to be someone else, i used to be someone different.. but then again so did everyone else. everyone used to be someone else. we all once lived better lives. whether that's what we are being made to believe or not, i don't know. but i know we are all searching for something that..... we really won't ever find? no. i mustn't continue this way. i have to take control again and listen to myself and listen to others and believe in other people. all is not lost when i'm writing these words. there are grown men with hankys, and there are genuinely nice and consistant people out there. when i come across them i am sad. when i come across such nice and pleasant and friendly people, i harbor this strong emotion of some sort of final misery. like that of a school-child waving goodbye to their mother on their way to school. but not on their first or second day of school - but on that day when the routine kicks in. when most things are left unsaid and done without saying. going to school and learning and developing and moving forward to greater experiences and life as it can be is sublime and beautiful and inspiring. but the fact that it is all done within such routine drains me of any desire. and then there are those nice and genuine people who live in this world - who live in this world alongside me. but they do it so well. they do it with their heads where they want them. they do it all maintaining their sweet and gentle nature. *enter question* who am i to say such things? i don't know what the world is and i don't know anybody who lives within it. i don't live within this world, but i don't live without it either. what is purpose? *enter question* why is it a cliche to ask such things? if everything has been done before, is there any point? i hope so *enter question* posted by Simon Tuesday, November 23, 2004
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